• codiishername

This Season of Motherhood

My house is a mess. I probably step on atleast one barbie doll or poppy doll a day. The song “When I’m Older” by Olaf from Frozen II literally describes my life right now. I haven’t done laundry all week. I slide cooking dinner into my husbands list of things to do. I also don’t set enough time aside for him, ever. I prioritize park dates with my kids over cleaning the house. I really, really dislike bathtime, and it stresses me out when all my kids are crying at the same time.

I probably should work out more than I do. I probably should do more worksheets with my oldest daughter and do a better job at preschool. I probably should cook more often. I probably should do a lot more things than I do, but I don’t.

My postpartum anxiety is through the roof. THROUGH THE ROOF.

I haven’t slept in a solid 6 months. I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t get any time to myself, ever. I know my most important role is mama right now over anything else. And don’t even get me started how mentally and physically demanding and almost draining breastfeeding is, thank the good Lord above for the creation of formula when I need it.

But in the midst of chaos I’ve found myself not being the mom I want to be.

I’m really hard on myself.

I strive for a level of perfection I can’t achieve. I demand myself to be someone I’m not. I create anxious thoughts for myself over things that shouldn’t even be a thing. I keep thinking I need to be better, I need to do this, I need to do that, and I think I’m failing.

I’m not failing though, even if I think I am.

Even if I can’t be a preschool teacher (which I’m not and didn’t even go to school for that) that is ok.

If all we do is make crazy pumpkins, monsters with four eyes out of paper plates, read books, and watch too many movies that’s ok.

If I do formula during the day and nurse at night, or stop nursing all together, that ok.

If I hold my baby too much while he’s sleeping and kiss my older girls too much, that’s ok.

If we eat cake during the day for lunch that’s ok.

Everything I’m doing right now, in this season, is ok.

I know I’m strong.

I know I’m brave.

I know whatever comes next I can handle.

I know this perfection level I’m trying to achieve is dumb and I need to get rid of this idea that causes so much anxiety and stress in my mind and body.

I’m enough. I know I am.

I’m a good Mom, and I need to believe this.

This season of motherhood has me all sorts of crazy, but this season is beautiful in itself.

I need to realize that these days are fleeting. I’m not perfect, I never will be, but I’m the perfect Mom for my kids and they love me for me.

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© 2019 Codi Is Her Name

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