• codiishername

That Time Of Year Again

“When I called out to You, You answered me. You made me strong and brave”- Pslam 138:8

It’s almost that time of year again.

The time of year when I hold my daughter way too tight and kiss her 1000 times before 8 am.

The time of year when I have to hand her to an anesthesiologist while she’s crying and doesn’t fully understand what is happening, while I hold back tears telling her everything is going to be ok and I’ll see you soon.

The time of year where she has to go through her annual testing to make sure her spinal cord is still doing everything it’s supposed to do and there’s no new growths, attachments, or anything else we need to worry about in the future.

The time of year that is filled with so much anxiety and stress I could burst at the seams.

You would think after all the past medical things she’s gone through we would be used to this, but we’re not. I know we’re lucky in a way because this is only a follow up once a year till she’s five. This isn’t a super scary thing that other parents and children have to endure, I get that completely and totally.

But let me tell you that it is never easy handing your child over to doctors and nurses, and entrusting their lives with them. As a parent you want to be in control, you almost need to be in control, and this circumstance I’m not in control at all. I can’t just say “well let’s cancel this appointment and we will go when we have time”.

Lord knows I want to do that so bad, but I can’t.

I’m holding on to that hope that after this appointment a follow up won’t be needed for years down the road and everything looks normal, the internal hemangioma at the base of her spinal canal has shrunk even more, there’s no new growths or attachments, and there’s nothing to worry about with her and her health.

She’s running like a normal three year old.

She’s jumping like a normal three year old.

She’s skipping, she’s dancing, she’s kicking, she‘s doing everything all like a normal three year old.

She is a normal three year old.

Kid’s are so resilient. Especially kids who have had things happen to them that should never happen to a child. My daughter had gone through more in her first two years of life, then most people go through in a whole lifetime. It’s crazy seeing the memories and pictures from those first two years and really thinking about everything she went through. She is the bravest person I know. She’s overcome obstacle after obstacle thrown her way in three short years. The doctors are constantly trying to find something the matter with her and she literally proves them wrong in every way, shape, and form every single time when it comes to this.

If you’re a Mama whose child has had medical issues, past or present, I want you to know you’re one strong Mom. Your child is one strong child. I’m still not sure why some children are handed wild cards like this and have to go through so much to make sure they are ok. And I know my daughter’s medical issues are so minuscule compared to other kids. We all go through hard times with our children that are the hardest on us and a tough chapter in our book on parenting. Being a parent to a child who has any medical issue, small or large, is hard. It’s heartbreaking seeing your child suffer in any way, shape, or form.

All I know is that even though we’ve been through the ringer with our daughter, she’s stronger now then ever before. And being her Mom, I’m stronger too. She has a story to tell; one of bravery, courage, and hope. I’m just so happy we get to share her story with others who are going through similar circumstances and to let them know they aren’t alone in dealing with this.

To my little girl, you are so strong and brave. I’m so lucky and blessed to be your Mommy. No matter what this week holds, what the MRI imaging says, what the reports say, what your neurosurgeon suggests, we will handle it all. You got this girl and Mommy is right here with you. I’m going to try so, so hard to be so strong for you this week and to not let this stress get to me and feed into my anxiety. I love you to the moon and back sweet girl. You got this and God has you.


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