Living With Anxiety
Updated: Jan 10, 2019
Go about your normal activities like nothing is the matter? Check.
Pretend you’re perfect? Check.
Try to be the best Mom possible? Check.
When someone asks if you‘re ok and you say you are? Check.
This is where I am right now.
I feel like my chest is so heavy and my thoughts are constantly racing. I feel like I’m going back in time when I worried about everything under the sun. I feel like this anxiety is trying to take a hold on me again and this time it’s claws are stronger and sinking deeper then they were before.
My husband asked me yesterday “Why don’t you just accept that you have anxiety, try to cope with it, and move on. You’re not perfect and this is apart of your life and you can’t accept it. Maybe that’s your problem”. And I guess he’s 10000% right.
I know I have this anxiety. I know I suffer through it day in and day out. Although I want to say it’s not as bad as it once was, I would be lying-because somedays it hits like a ton of bricks with no end in sight. Somedays it’s a weight on me and I can’t get the weight off. Somedays I can’t breathe because of this stuff.
I want to be good enough.
A good enough Mom.
A good enough Wife.
A good enough friend.
A good enough person.
And I feel like I’m getting held back by my anxiety.
By my constant worries and fears. And it’s exhausting feeling like this constantly.
I dont know where to go from here with this. I have appointments with doctors next week. I have therapy next week. I’m trying so hard to get through this but it’s like a never ending ferris wheel of emotions day in and day out.
Postpartum anxiety is nothing to joke about. It’s not a game us Mom’s are playing looking for attention. This is real life. This is something that goes on to millions of Mom’s every single day.
If I had the answers to why this has to happen and the cure all to it-I would go out there and help every single person dealing with this anxiety beast. But in the meantime, I’ll just write down what I’m going through in hopes my story and my struggles can help others along the way.
In no way is this a pity party right now. This isn’t a post looking for sympathy. This is my life. This is my family’s life-something my husband and daughters have to deal with on the regular.
I want to be strong for them.
But how do you be strong for the people who need you most in life if you can’t even be strong for yourself?
Im still figuring this out. I know I work my butt off everyday to be the Mom I know I should be and can be. I love my daughters with every fiber of my being and I love my husband as well.
I want to be better for them. I want to be better for myself. I want this postpartum anxiety to go away once and for all. And I never want it to be return.
In the meantime, I’ll just keep going. I’ll just keep trying to be strong. I’ll keep trying to push this anxiety away.
Fear is a liar, and I need to remember this. I need to remember that God is on my side.
I can do this. I can do hard things. I just need to figure out how to combat this and keep moving forward.
And that smile plastered on my face? Well that’s because of my daughters. I have to show them that Mommy is a fighter. That Mommy is strong. And that Mommy can handle hard things.
I may not be ok on the inside somedays, but I need to be ok on the outside for them. I need to show them that things will get better and I won’t be like this forever. My girls are my world, I would literally do anything for them. And if that means I need to sit on the floor playing tea party with a smile on my face while I’m secretly feeling like total crap because of my anxiety-that’s exactly what I’ll do.
Us Mom’s are awesome in every way, and I fully intend on teaching my daughters it’s ok to be broken and let the world know you are. But you also need to tell the world you’re strong, you’ll get through this, and at the end of it you’ll be better off for it.
Im going to keep reminding myself what I would tell my daughters. Maybe that’s the key to getting through this. What I would tell them and apply it to myself.
Anxiety, I have no more room for you in my life. You can go now.