I Wonder Who You Could Have Been Everyday
That’s how long it’s been since we said goodbye to you.
That’s how long it’s been since my body seemed to fail us.
That’s how long it’s been since the harsh reality of miscarriage set in.
That’s how long it’s been that I’ve thought of you and who you would’ve been every single day.
In those four years we’ve had your two little sisters and lost another baby who we weren’t expecting, but love so much.
In those years since we’ve lost you we’ve endured a lot. We’ve been through the trenches. We’ve seen so many dark days, but we’ve also seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and the rainbows after the storms that blew through.
The years have been long. The years have flown by too. It’s hard for me to comprehend that it has been four long years since that day.
To you, my sweet baby I never got to meet, I want you to know how my body aches on this day for you. I want you to know that the tears are falling fast today and the anxiety from losing you seems so real still. The panic attack set in right around the time I started spotting that first spot of blood. This day will never get easier and seems to only get harder as the years pass on.
I want you to continue to send me the signs you do my angel baby. Hummingbirds follow me around all the time these days and I know it’s you and your little sibling we lost not that long ago. I know you’re with me. I know you’re watching over your little sisters. I know that you’ve been there for me when it felt like I couldn’t keep going. Please stay with us, with me.
Losing you was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. You were so wanted. You were and are still so loved. You will always be missed. My heart will always have a piece missing because of you.
I hope I’m doing good at this Mom gig for your sisters and I hope you just continue to send me strength and love and courage to keep going and keep being the best Mom I can be-to you, to H & E, and to your other little sibling we didn’t get to meet. I hope I’m the kind of Mom that would’ve been the best Mom for you if I would’ve held onto you. I hope you’re proud of me.
That’s how long it’s been since we said goodbye to you. That’s how long it’s been since things have never been the same. I’ll keep missing you forever. I hope you’re ok up in Heaven and Jesus is holding you extra long today.
Four years seems like an eternity and yesterday all at the same time.
I’ll be thinking of you and missing you, my sweet angel one.