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I Loved You Before I Knew You

I loved you before I knew you. I loved you for years before I knew that I would be a mother to you. I loved you with an everlasting love that is so big and so wide, and expands across the whole universe. I will love you all my days, through everything.

It’s easy to love you though.

It’s easy to love the perfect miracle God created when He gave me you.

I wasn’t expecting the grief motherhood would bring though. I wasn’t expecting months of trying, and nothing happening. I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant for the very first time-and lose our first baby. I wasn’t expecting the anxiety that followed while being pregnant again, and having a husband deployed overseas. I knew I couldn’t lose you, and I didn’t.

But oh, what happened after you were born and the medical challenges we faced as brand new parents is something that lives with you forever.

Then a third pregnancy. A hard pregnancy. One full of emotional, mental, and physical complications that only seemed to worsen as time went on.

Postpartum was terrifying. Depression and anxiety knocked on the door and let itself in without ever being invited in.

Finally, though, that time came and went. I felt ok again. I felt like I was me again.

Then another pregnancy. Another loss, another miscarriage. That makes two baby’s lost.

We trust in an almighty force, an almighty God to get us through. We said God’s timing. We said maybe someday we will have another, but left it up to God. I didn’t know if my body could do it again.

When I took the pregnancy test, I think I was shaking the entire time. I knew I couldn’t lose you, just like I couldn’t lose your big sister. I knew I had to hold on to you.

We’ve made it half way to your due date, and my love for you is so big already. I already love being your momma and I haven’t even met you face to face yet. I just know you are going to be ok-no matter what. God is faithful, and that is something to cling to everyday.

I loved you before I knew you. I loved you for years before I knew that I would be a mother to you. And I will love all of you, all the days I’m here.


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