I Choose To Say No More-Postpartum Anxiety Goodbye
A year ago today I saved the below quote to my phone not 100% understanding what it meant at the time I saved it. Today though, today I get it.
A year ago today I was in the midst of postpartum anxiety. I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t acting like myself. I wasn’t talking like myself. I didn’t know who I was outside of this anxiety I had been struggling with for a year and a half. It took medication, therapy, time, lots of talking to God, and many moons to change my behavior towards myself and my though process on it all.
Today I choose to not walk in anxiety’s shadow.
I remember going through the trenches of postpartum anxiety and someone telling me “you have to choose to not let it effect you” and I thought they were crazy. I never chose to have anxiety ravage my life. I never chose to be a recipient of postpartum anxiety. How can I choose to not let it effect me?
Here’s the thing you have to realize-when you’re going through it you don’t actually see the way out. You try so hard to get out of it, but in reality you dig yourself deeper into a hole that gets darker and more scary as time goes on. You have to allow yourself to feel the emotions you feel. You have to allow yourself to look at the person in the mirror and say “today may have sucked, but tomorrow will be better”. You have to learn to love yourself again. You have to realize that God is giving you grace through it all, and He’s there even if you can’t see Him or hear Him through it all.
The best thing I ever did for my postpartum anxiety was start this blog, go to therapy, and ultimately talk to my family and friends about what I was going through. The best thing I ever did for myself, my husband, and my daughter’s was to evolve. I kept living in the shadow of my anxiety for a long time-that’s what I was used to, that’s the story and the path I had been living on for a long time. But the thing I ever did was to say “not today anxiety, not today” and I’ve never looked back.
I couldn’t remain living in the life I was living. I was a mess of a person with no end destination. I may not know where that end destination point is, but I do know that today I’m stronger than I was even three months ago. I know the minute I said “no more” I meant it and I haven’t looked back since. You can’t evolve and be the person you want to be if you still are living in the past-going through the same storms and the same hectic lifestyle you don’t want. You have to choose to let it go and to let it be in the past.
For everyone that’s reached out asking me to talk more about my postpartum anxiety journey lately this is the reason why I haven’t responded-I can’t. I can’t go back to that place anymore because I can’t relive it any longer. I’m not allowing myself to be that person anymore. You can share past posts from when I was in the thick of it, you can quote things I’ve said in the past-but from here on out, this Codi has officially said “no more” and I’m choosing love, light, and a beautiful future with more God, more laughter, and more smiles then I ever saw in the past.
To anyone struggling today I know you’re thinking I’m crazy. I know that because I was there at one point too. How can a person choose to say no more to the thing holding them hostage? It’s easy because at some point, you’ll get sick of the life you’re living. There will be some point in time where you look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t like what you see and you’ll say “no more” too.
Keep trudging along my fellow warriors. Keep saying “no more”. Keep choosing to evolve. Keep chasing the light. And most important don’t ever forget to see
and feel the love all around you.