Grief is a funny thing. It comes in waves. One minute everything is calm and steady and the next minute there is a hurricane brewing off the coast. Grief, I’ve learned, is an emotion that is so hard to control. Grief lasts forever-it’s something that is always there, always at the surface waiting to bubble over. Someday’s you survive and get through, trying your hardest to not think about it. And other days you spend in a whirlwind of sadness, anger, and a need to understand why it happened. Grief is constant and never ending.
And here I am, sitting in the midst of grief once again. A type of grieving you don’t want to experience ever in your life and something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. A type of grieving that if it happens a second time, a third time, a fourth time, or more your heart literally sits shatters in pieces on the floor.
I had a miscarriage, again. I lost another child.
I am trying so hard to find the words for this that I don’t have.
This time I’m not sure where to go from here and what to do next. This time I don’t know how to say what I know I need to say, but I don’t want to accept it. I dont want to accept the fact that I feel that my body failed me, and my husband once again. I don’t have the words to make myself feel ok about it or have the reassurance for my husband that I had the first time around.
This time felt different in an amazing way. We didn’t have to try for this little one. It was an amazing surprise. An unexpected surprise, but an amazing one filled with so much love and hope for the future. I wasn‘t anxious at all. My fears of my first miscarriage were there, but I managed to put it towards the back of my head and not think about it too hard or often. I was happy. I was going to be a Mama to three kids 3 and under-but I was completely ok with this. My husband was surprised but ready for our next adventure.
Then the pains started. Well maybe this is normal for this pregnancy, right? Every pregnancy is completely different is what I kept reminding myself. I went to the doctor and they assured me that this is normal, my levels were semi low, but it’s early and that’s ok. So I calmed myself down. Made myself believe that this was ok and this wasn’t going to end in heartbreak.
I was wrong.
It was, well it is, complete and total heartbreak.
Having one miscarriage is devastating. It hurts like hell. It stings. It leaves you with so much fear and anxiety for future pregnancies. But you somehow get through it.
Since my first miscarriage I’ve had two healthy baby girls who are my world. They are the lights of my life. They make living worth it. And even though I had terrible postpartum after my youngest I got through it. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night thanking God for letting me be their Mommy.
But this second miscarriage, this rocked my world. I wasn’t expecting it to happen again. I knew there was always a possibility of it happening again, but I wanted to be naive and think that it wouldn’t happen to us again. I know I need to be ok for my daughters. I know that they need their Mommy. And I am trying so hard to be strong for my husband. But how are you supposed to be strong on the outside when it feels like a part of your heart died on the inside?
Now comes the dreaded follow up doctor appointments. The ones where you go to get an ultrasound of your empty uterus and see all the excited mom’s and dad’s holding ultrasound pictures of their baby’s. The blood tests that check to make sure your levels are going down the right way so you don’t have to have extra measures taken on your body during this weird time. The paperwork where you have to answer the question about how many pregnancies you have had and how many living children you have. So many things you have to do following a miscarriage is completely exhausting, not including the physical and emotional toll it takes on your body.
I’m not sure where to go from here besides I know I need to talk about it. I know pushing it back and ignoring it isn’t going to make me feel better-if anything it’s going to make it worse. I’m going to be mad. I’m going to be upset. And I’m going to grieve over a child I never got to meet. I know all of these emotions are valid and I have every right to feel the way I do.
This child that we lost was so loved already. They caught us by surprise, but it was an amazing surprise and one we loved that happened. This child was wanted in so many ways.
I am trying to give myself time to grieve. I’m trying to give myself grace. I’m trying so hard to be ok. I’m trying to be strong. And I know I will be. The tears will eventually not come on so strong everyday. The feeling of loss won’t be so present. And the grief won’t overtake me like it is now.
I am clinging so hard to the fact that I am a Mom to two beautiful little girls. That God did bless me with the two I have here on Earth with me. They don’t take the places of the babies we lost, but they do preoccupy me and keep me from thinking about things that are completely out of my control.
So for now we live through this. We somehow were dealt cards that will forever change our lives once again. We deal with the fact that we now have two angel babies. We get stronger. We move forward. And we will eventually be ok.